My Epitaph Collection, Compiled

I am a casual collector of potential epitaphs.  In the early days of my blog I posted each of the candidates separately. I’ve had a request to compile them, so here they all are.

This one happened by me during an email exchange at work. The original comment referred to a scientific paper. Way too good to waste there:

Not without a few errors, but provocative nonetheless.

I can see having this on my headstone (Except that I won’t have a headstone.):

Wait! I’m not done yet!

On my optimistic days, this is the epitaph I favor:

The adventure continues…

For the last word in petty revenge:

Not even the dog will miss him.

Yup, sounds familiar:

Lived at the corner of Skepticism and Rebellion.

Death comes to all of us and yet:

They told me to expect the unexpected but here I am.

No more fooling around:

Next time I come back as a cat.

This offhand comment from a biologist deserves immortality:

She wondered about genetic drift.

Or maybe the reverse is more meaningful:

He never wondered about genetic drift.

I know, right?:

Damn, just when I was getting the hang of it.

Although debate with the universe is not recommended:

But –

You know who you are:

Death. The last word in writer’s block.

A final disclaimer:

It wasn’t always like this for me.

Disgruntled past the end:

Was that all there was?

An epitaph for my cat Boink:

Peace, love, and asparagus.

Strolling down the lane with the Buddha:

Once a life, always alive.

Epitaph for a joke-teller:

Three worms walk into a bar…

Ouch. Description of a graveyard with headstones from William Faulkner’s only mystery novel, Intruder in the Dust:

…carved mottoless with simple names and dates as though there had been nothing even their mourners remembered of them than that they had lived and they had died…

Not Actually by George Carlin (But Still Worth Reading)

I almost fell for it. I posted this essay, then unposted it, vaguely recollecting something about a hoax. Sure enough, this essay has been attributed to George Carlin and several others over the years but was actually written by a pastor, according to snopes.com. Note to self: next time check before you post.
George Carlin

George Carlin was one of the great satirists and social commentators of our lifetimes. He is not the author of this essay.

SOMETHING TO PONDER

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life. We’ve added years to life not life to years. We’ve been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We’ve done larger things, but not better things.

We’ve cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We’ve conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We’ve learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Remember to spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn’t cost a cent.

Remember, to say, ‘I love you’ to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

And always remember, life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by those moments that take our breath away.

Carlin photo is from his official website.

When Computers Are Obsolete

Today’s Daily Prompt said to envision life without computers.  At first I went Luddite and imagined a low-tech existence but that makes no sense.  I am not going to scrap the incredible capability and connectedness that I have gained from computers hand-in-hand with the internet.

When I get rid of my computer it will be because a more advanced technology has arrived.

I already know what I want. It is essentially an iPad with a great keyboard and ginormous screen.  Specifically, I want:

  • a screen of fabulous quality with a weight that is lighter than light. The screen will fold to the size of a credit card and expand to become enormous. There will also be the option to project holographically.
  • a keyboard that is as comfortable to use as a late model electric typewriter. This will be a virtual keyboard that I can set on a desk or in my lap or on a wall. The keyboard will serve as a guide when I type but my post-computer device will sense the movement and positions of my fingers rather than my touch on the keyboard.

Please let me know when my new device is ready to ship.

Layers and Pieces

This week’s Writing Challenge wants to see a recipe for moi.

Chop finely and mix:

  • 1 c introspection
  • 1 c imagination (substitute: insight)
  • 2 c empathy
  • 2 c knee-jerk tendency to rebellion
  • 2 c smart-ass remarks
  • 1 c curiosity (substitute: nosiness)

Cover with thin alternating layers of :

  • chutzpah
  • emotionalism
  • tenacity
  • timidity
  • enthusiasm

To lighten:

  • Add friends and children.
  • Fold in ocean air and vistas of sunrise or sunset.
  • Surround with shelter animals.
  • Add concerts, novels, walks, movies, art, or hikes.

Season as follows:

  • Mix skepticism and irony to taste, then double those proportions.
  • Infuse with 1970s punk, midcentury jazz, blues, alt bluegrass, alt rock.
  • Steep in book learning, street smarts, and belated learning from experience.

Garnish with wildflowers.

Serve on a bed of uncertainty.

Holds flavor best outside.

Store separately.

Meanwhile, Later Than Same Nap

Recently I posted a photo of my cat Luna enjoying a nap in a window breeze.  While Luna slept, one of the kittens, Leo, spotted him and took time out from his daily backyard frolicking in order to approach Luna. Below are photos of the encounter.

Some backstory needed here. Luna is 10 years old, patient and tolerant with our three kittens (now 10 months old), who worship him and thus annoy him. Whenever they see him they pester him. They relentlessly try  to touch noses, to sniff him, to follow and stare at him. So Luna rarely lets them near.

Wow! There he is!

Woah! There he is!

I've never sniffed the bottom of his paw before.

I’ve never sniffed the bottom of his paw before.

For some reason I can't bite his tail through the screen.

For some reason I can’t bite his tail through the screen.

Wow. He is so cool.

Wow. He is so cool.

But If You Hit a Slow Spell…

One of the all time great love songs is If You Were a Bluebird by Butch Hancock. Hancock is an amazing yet relatively unknown songwriter. I learned about him and this song by being a Joe Ely fan.

I love the fact that Butch and Joe have been friends for decades, along with Jimmie Dale Gilmore. They have solo careers but they also write songs for each other and they play together as the Flatlanders.

This post’s title comes from the lyrics:

If you were a hotel
Honey, you'd be a grand one
But if you hit a slow spell
Do you think you could stand one?

Here are two versions of the song, the first as performed by all three of the guys. Hancock is the one in the hat.

The second version is the way I learned it  – the Ely version. The video has a couple annoyances but the performance outweighs them.